Ukuhlonipha the Ndebele way (PART III)

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ONE of the major occupations of young men is chasing after girls seeking to win love favours from them. Similarly, girls spend hours making themselves attractive to boys.

ONE of the major occupations of young men is chasing after girls seeking to win love favours from them. Similarly, girls spend hours making themselves attractive to boys.

A girl who has no suitors becomes miserable and wonders what is wrong with herself. Manje intombi kayikhombisi, ifela ngaphakathi loba ijaha elithile ilifuna.

Sometimes she tries very hard to make herself noticed by that boy or other boys generally, engxenye ahambe phambi kwabo ngabomo babuke ukwakheka kwakhe. It reminds me of a song that was sung in the early 1950s: Gwabigwabi ngezifigana zami . . . bayazihawukela. Sometimes even this does not pay dividends. Poor girl. Acine ngokuphiwa indoda.

You may ask, what has all this got to do with respect? A lot. Self-respect is at stake here. A girl must respect herself and respect her parents and her family.

She must not, because of lack of suitors, end up surrendering herself to the wolves. In any case she must not show herself in any way that she is desperate for boys. In Ndebele society it was very rare for a woman to have no husband.

The parents took care of that by marrying her to a man of their choice. As a form respect she accepted her parents’ without any qualms (Of course very few people would recommend that nowadays).

For young people ukuhlonipha consists in showing a willingness to do certain things dutifully without being forced.

A respectful boy or girl places herself-him- self at the hands of her parents and is ready to respond promptly when they send him somewhere or to perform a task at home. Uyathumeka.

Many parents are stressed by their unruly youths who defiantly refuse the advice of their parents. One of the worst kinds of defiance is when a child talks back at you when you are correcting him. They won’t be quiet and listen carefully to what you are saying.

They want to answer back every utterance that you make. Balenkani, bayiziqholo abantwabethu. Uyalibeka (ilizwi) laye alibeke. In Ndebele culture a child is not allowed to argue with his parent no matter how old he may be — a 56-year-old son would not argue with his 86-year-old father.

If parents told their children certain things they did not want them to do the children listened and did not do them. Most parents do not like their children to walk about visiting after dark or at night. They will say: “Kasimfuni umntwana obuya ekhaya sekuhlwile.”

Respectful children will obey. It is very stressful for a parent to go to sleep when a child is not at home and it is very annoying for a child to come late and knock when the parent is already sleeping. That child does not respect his parents. Sometimes that wayward child comes back dead drunk.

What are you expected to do as a parent? In Ndebele culture the extended family system was used by calling on the uncles and aunts to assist to correct the erring child. If he persisted he was brought before the elders who made sure they corrected him in such a way he did not do it again.

A father is the head of the home and the family members give him the respect he deserves. Father has a chair or stool where only he sits always. No other member of the family may sit on that chair. Kuyazila. You hlonipha it.

Umntwana kadleli emganwini kayise (A child does not eat from his father’s plate) nor can the child use his father’s cup or spoon. All other property in the house (utensils, stools, cups, mats, etc) are used in common by everybody at home but those that have been assigned to father are used by him only.

You may ride your father’s bicycle or drive his car or write with his pen nowadays but you don’t touch his utensils or chair. Angakupha ukudla emganwini wakhe, khuphela komunye.

Here are some of the major highlights of the ukuhlonipha of young people.

  • The Bible says: “Hlonipha uyihlo lonyoko.” They brought you into this world. Otherwise you would not be there,
  • Do not conduct your shameful love affairs in the presence of your parents or all other elders: walking arm in arm; kissing publicly; standing glued together by the corner; fighting over a boyfriend or girlfriend in public.
  • Thumeka, wenze ngokuphangisa, ngokuthokoza. (You must be willing to be sent around to perform any tasks),
  • When you are being corrected, scolded, chided or advised strongly do not answer back. Learn the rule do not answer back unless you are called upon to do so. Keep your mouth shut. Yikho ukuhlonipha lokho,
  • Choose your friends carefully. Do not join “gangs”. You will end up drinking, smoking, fighting, stealing (even house-breaking), speaking vulgar language (inhlamba) and acquiring other undesirable forms of behaviour,
  • Avoid travelling at night or after dark,
  • Ungabi libhude elithanda emzini. Lamhla ulala lapha, kusasa ulale le,
  • Choose your language correctly at all times. Do not speak offensive or foul language to anybody at any time,
  • Hlonipha izinto zabanye ungazoni lanini. Zihloniphe lawe wena ngokwakho.

The Ndebele language can be hard-hitting, but correctly and rightly abusive for a girl who does not respect herself: USiboneni kezwa. Asazi ukuthi ulunywa yini. Utshobatshoba kungazathi yinja edabuleyo. UNkomeni yena uyayangisa usefana lenja echithisiweyo; usehamba ephethe ngezandla. What foul language for foul behaviour! Young people, behave yourselves.

Our next issue will talk about ukuhlonipha by old people in the Ndebele culture.