HUSBAND, WIFE LIVING TOGETHER

FOR purposes of language usage some young people would have preferred that I said kwabathatheneyo and not kwabathetheneyo.

Mary-and-JosephFOR purposes of language usage some young people would have preferred that I said kwabathatheneyo and not kwabathetheneyo.

Sorry, no: Thatha > thethe as in Uthethe inkobe zakhe ekade zisembizeni.

Also the word-phrase kwabathetheneyo raises eyebrows in some quarters because indoda iyathatha, umfazi uyenda.

How then is thathana possible? Again, sorry, this is so correct. But it does not condone nor support the Western marriage vow: “Mina Nomusa ngiyakuthatha wena Njabulo ukuthi ube yindoda yami.” Hatshi!

That is culturally crude and the churches have stuck to it only because it’s nice for them to sound Western.

You need a more cultural phrasing than that.

It won’t be less Christian. However, this is not a language lesson nor is it a theological argument.

Here we go: The Ndebele people have their own cultural ways, how husband and wife relate to each other. The lines are clear and there are no conflicts if properly adhered to.

Bible readers are familiar with the relationship between Abraham and his wife Sarah.

Indeed the whole Bible teaching between husband and wife is that of a harmonious relationship where each one knows his/her place.

Nothing is more Ndebele than that. The Bible teaching begins in Eden and is consistent throughout the ages and is affirmed in Pauline letters.

The story of Esther and her relationship with her king-husband is rather extreme and is not a model for husband and wife relationship.

It is outside Biblical boundaries. Saint Paul summarised the whole issue well: Husbands love your wives; wives submit to your husbands. Full stop.

Jesus had a father. Joseph loved his wife, Mary, and that love was expressed by caring, providing for and protecting Mary who submitted unreservedly to her husband.

Submission is not the same thing as being sat on. It should allow for equal opportunities, self-growth and self-actualisation for the wives.

Talking about equal rights. Well! I have a right to protect my wife from danger (raging animal or some murderous human being), but if I see danger and hide under my wife’s skirt, that is something else.

It is agreed that many things are done in Ndebele society outside of this model, but those things contradict the Ndebele culture.

We said in an earlier article that when the ukulaya session is convened at the end of the umthimba ceremony one is likely to hear, “Mqondisi, umphathe kuhle umkakho; kasifuni ukubona izinyembezi zakhe” and “Nothando, ungathwali ikhanda, kodwa uhloniphe umkakho uzehlise kuye”.

These statements are loaded on either side and if they are understood and followed married life will be happy ever after.

It is sad that some people, especially young women decry ukulaya as a bad and largely useless traditional practice. But without it they do worse in their marriage.

In Ndebele the husband and the wife each have their area of operation in the home. The home really “belongs” to the wife who runs and controls it.

The husband has to understand that so there are no conflicts. All matters pertaining to the kitchen belong to her and she must do her best to reach her man’s heart through the stomach, that is, feed him well.

He will be happy and contented, angathandi ukudla emzini.

One man was served a good meal by a party of women elimeni an he said, “Kumnandi bomama. Phela liboke lizofundisa unfazi wami laye ukupheka” ( crude idea and crude language).

What relationship was he building between himself and his wife? Of course there are those men ababopha inyama or who throw the whole plate of food back at the woman saying the food was badly cooked (yimboza).

Amadoda! How often do you say thank you to your sweet wife uthi “Emlamb’obanzi, Isitsha esagcwala saphuphuma, Inkomokazi eyagcwalis’amagula Izankefu zamasi zehlula yonk’ injetshane!” what a wonderful opportunity men have for building a happy home.

I tell you relationship is not built on those vain expressions of “I LOVE YOU”. They are too Western – they are hollow. Deeds and not words.

Sarah in the Bible wayesithi baba to Abraham and Abraham esithi mama to Sarah. What is wrong with that? That is equivalent to sekaDade or nakaFanyana or MaNkala. Your husband’s first name is Tony.

Which is better and more fundamental to family relationship to say, “Tony, ake ungiqhubele uhali lolo oluseceleni kwakho,” or “SekaFanyana, ake ungiqhubele uhali lolo”? You see, for whites being on first names is more friendly.

It is their culture and it is good for them. But why should Ndebele people (and indeed as are all pliable black people) succumb and capitulate to Western ways in almost everything.

Does it not dignify you, dear Ndebele wife, when your good husband calls, “NakaSoneni, ake usondele lapha mkami!”

Consider this incident: DUBE: Wena MaMoyo, kanti kaliboni ukuthi thina abanye sesilambile? Lamahla kalifuni ukupheka yini? Sengihamba-ke mina lisale selizidlela ukudla kwenu.

MAMOYO: Uxolo, baba, siphuzile emasimini sisangenisa indima yethu. Ukudla sekuzalunga Dube.

DUBE: Aphu! Angikumeli mina lokho. Sengihamba. Salani lizidlela.

Compare this: MAMNKANDLA: SekaZebhuloni, sikhala ngesitshebo,bakithi. Sesifile ngokuxhoxhoza insuku zonke, baba.

SEKAZEBHULONI: Yebo mama. Pho ubusithini?

MAMNKANDLA: A, kambe ngingathini mina? Bengisithi uzasibonela lawe kambe zitshatshama kanje zigcwala ezinangeni.

SEKAZEBHULONI: Kutshatshamani kambe, lawe ntombi yami? Ngizwele mama. MAMNKANDLA: ENgwenya, baba. Siyabonga.

The last conversation, absolutely beautiful. It’s heaven on earth! If you consider these incidents too rural and old-fashioned consider the following:

HLOMANI: Wena Thenjiwe, wagid’edolobheni nsuku zonke udlani khona esingayidliyo thina?

THENJIWE: Ukuhamba kwami kuyakuduba? Wena-ke ohamba nsuku zonke uze ubuye ebusuku sesilele udlani khona le?

HLOMANI : Uthini? Utsho njalo kimi, demu shiti. Uzilinganisa lami wena? Kawulaywanga kuhle kini. Ngizakuvasa ngempama, kumbe kawungazi. Ngikubuzile, ngithe wathanda edolobheni nje udingani khona?

THENJIWE: Nxa kukuhlupha yindaba yakho. Lami ngikubuzile.

What a relationship. Divorce is imminent. Shame!