There are some vendors on the streets selling rat bait who have coiled a great marketing statement for their product. Ibulala khonapho khonapho/ inowuraya ipapo ipapo, meaning it kills on the spot. Insecurity does the same to relationships. It kills on the spot.
By Kilton Moyo
Many great relationships have died on the unfortunate altar of insecurity. Insecure people make others insecure. Insecure people do not believe in someone else’s joy or happiness. Everything must be in their own terms.
My friend, brother Wessie said a powerful statement the other day at church that people in bondage keep others in bondage. This is very true with insecurity. You are in trouble if you are dating an insecure person. You are in trouble if you are married to such a spouse.
Insecurity affects all levels of relationships. Insecure leadership, be it at church, business, politics, social or wherever, will bring harm to themselves and others. It is hard to relate to somebody who does not have confidence in themselves and, therefore, see everyone a challenge.
Many marriage relationships are victims of insecurity largely by men who view their wives as threats or competitors. Insecurity looks like it is imbedded in the spirit of our African culture where educated and well-to-do women are stigmatised and found not good enough for marriage. At least it was so when I was growing up and this is the reason many girls were not sent to school. Let us discover what insecurity has done to some relationships.
lWhen you are insecure, you cannot trust. Insecure spouses become jealous and want to possess instead of loving. They want to confine instead of releasing. They want to disempower instead of empowering. This is one of the biggest challenges in many marriages today where insecure husbands cannot let their gifted wives work or become anything. Their insecurity becomes a prison for their spouse.
lWhen you are insecure you become violent. Insecurity is a deception that suggests to you the other person is not respecting you and they are undermining your authority. Husbands suffering from this sickness have become violent and beat up their innocent spouses. They complain of so many unfounded things like lack of respect, infidelity and many others. They are in bondage themselves, but deny it.
When you are insecure you see things that are not. Many insecure couples suffer from what I call exaggerated imaginations. They see their spouses committing infidelity, stealing from them and imagine all sorts of things.
They blame and accuse their spouses for things they never did just to disempower them. How on earth do you want to marry someone just to disempower them and make them useless? This is not love, but wickedness. This is not love, but cruelty. It all comes from an insecure mind and heart. An insecure person can hardly trust. They would rather do everything for you themselves.
When you are insecure, you become stingy. You think your spouse is wasteful. You do not buy them anything. Insecure men are always very smart and clean while their spouses are in rags and very ordinary. They do not go to public places with their spouses and if they do, they are finger-pointing. In most cases they hide behind their fore fathers tradition.
Whichever way you might look at it, insecurity is harmful and retrogressive. My challenge is that there is a lot of insecurity even in the church and among the educated.
Have you noticed that many beautiful and well up ladies are finding it hard to get men to marry. Largely it is because these men are insecure and are afraid of these educated and rich ladies. Whenever they decide to date, it will be squabbles daily and most of the reasons given are not even there. It’s all an attempt to control the other person.
Love does not seek to control. Love releases and liberates and believes in the other person. There is no fear in perfect love.
Fear is only in insecurity and will always destroy your trust. Naturally, men get insecure when the wife earns more than they do, is more qualified, is more eloquent, is frequently promoted, is physically taller than them, among other reasons.
According to traditional theory, the man must always be the one up there and not the woman. I think this is where deception lies. What are we going to do with all these outstanding women in this generation if we continue to think like then?
Love has no conditions and boundaries. Love is not about money or status. Love is pure and honest. Who brings what home is not a love issue. It is about who got what and brought it home. Blessed are you when your wife can bring more income at home than you. Instead of struggling with insecurity, I suggest you relax and love your wife madly and enjoy the blessing of the Lord.
Love gives life ipapo ipapo!
Kilton Moyo writes in his on capacity as pastor, counsellor and author of the Sex Trap. Call or WhatsApp on +263 775 337 207, +263 712 384 841 or +263 772 610 103