GLOBAL warming is now a stark reality.
How else can you explain the queer changes in the weather? One can’t tell for sure whether we are in winter or summer.
Caring for the environment is no longer just a nice thing to do, but a global emergency.
At a G8 Summit hosted by Germany some years back, delegates got a startling reminder of this fact when Greenpeace constructed a replica of Noah’s Ark at the summit venue to urge world leaders to take the whole issue of climate change seriously.
Let’s face it, if the biblical Noah were to be given that task in this day and age, he would face serious viability problems.
Using the scenario planning approach, let us suppose it happened that the Lord gave similar instructions to a modern day Noah. What would happen?
Let us give it a try: And the Lord said to Noah: “In six months I’m going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people who are unfriendly to the environment will be destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark.” And in a flash of lightning He delivered the design specifications for the ark.
“OK,” said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
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“Six months, and it starts to rain,” thundered the Lord. “You’d better have My Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time.”
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And yet there was no ark.
“Noah,” shouted the Lord, “Where is My Ark?” A lightning bolt crashed to the ground next to Noah.
“Lord, please forgive me!” begged Noah. “I did my best. But there were big issues. First I had to seek a building permit for the Ark Construction Project, and your plans were thrown out by the Town and Lands Committee of the City Council for non-compliance.
“They said it didn’t meet the requirements of the relevant by-law. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight with him over whether or not the ark needed a fire sprinkler system and air conditioners. Apparently National Social Security Authority inspectors had passed through when I was away.
“Next, my nosey neighbours objected, claiming I was violating zoning laws by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the Town Planning Department.
“Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees by the Environmental Management Agency (EMA).
“They said that this was to reduce the greenhouse effect caused by carbon emissions. I had to convince them that I needed wood to save the ozone layer and endangered owls.
“The National Parks and Wildlife Department wouldn’t let me catch any owls, so, no owls.
“Then carpenters joined a union and went on strike for better working conditions. I had to negotiate a settlement with the Labour Relations Department before anyone could pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat and still no owls.
“Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by the Society for the Prevention of Cruelity to Animals. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EMA notified me that I couldn’t complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact assessment on your proposed flood.
“They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded that I produce a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe just to shut them up.
“Right now I’m still trying to resolve a complaint from immigration over how many foreigners I’m supposed to hire, the Zimbabwe Revenue Authority has seized all my assets claiming I’m trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country and I just got a notice from the government on something to do with indigenisation. I really don’t think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years,” Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine.
A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. “You mean you’re not going to destroy the earth?” Noah asked, hopefully.
“No,” said the Lord sadly, “The human race and government bureaucracy already has!”
Lenox Mhlanga is a social commentator
