I HAVE been writing so much on marriage these days because of its importance in the building up of strong families and communities. Today I want us to look at a few things in the heart of marriage, things that matter and yet they look so foolish to many.
Marriage does not fail
Marriage on its own does not fail, but it is people who fail. Many times we speak of marriage failing and I think we are wrong and shifting blame to an innocent institution that was never designed to fail.
People fail, not marriage. When you fail, do not go on a campaign against marriage. It is you who have failed and not marriage.
There are many people with confused marriage ideas who are on the loose telling the world marriage is failing. There are many with wrong attitudes demonising marriage. Marriage does not fail more so in that it is God-created and not man-made.
Marriage is work
Good marriage is created. You make your marriage what it is. If you desire a good marriage, go ahead and create it. We make the mistake of thinking that it is given marriage just has to be good. You work to make it good. Many of us work towards frustrating our marriages. Beloved, there is no amount of anointing oil that could make your marriage good if you would not work towards that.
Your marriage needs more of your commitment than oil. It needs your hands, your words, your input, your love and your full being than all these other strange things you trust in. Work for your marriage.
We work first by loving, submitting and forgiving.
This generation is too lazy to work and succeed in marriage and it is so quick in quitting and blaming others. Stay in there and work yourself through.
Be the right partner
Marriage is not about marrying the right person, it is about you being the right person or partner.
I have heard many people complaining that they married the wrong person. But are you sure they are wrong? Do not live to blame your partner or change your partner, but live to make yourself the best partner. Invest in this.
Become the best partner ever and by so doing you are helping your spouse to be at their best too. Many spend so much effort vilifying their partners, complaining and grumbling, and in the process becoming a demon in their marriage. Stop where you are a bit and reconsider. Are you the best or the right partner yourself? Work on this beloved and add value to your spouse.
Little things are big things
Pay attention to little things. They have the capacity to spoil the whole cake. They could spoil your marriage and future. Issues must be addressed and not left to chance or fate.
Strong partners discuss and solve or resolve issues. This helps you not to bottle things and create root for bitterness and resentment. I have realised that many couples fighting now, are referring to old little things they ignored. My encouragement would be that you deal with little things before they spoil your vine.
Do not go to bed angry
When I was doing courtship counselling 27 years ago, our counsellor always emphasised this.
Do not take to your bedroom your kitchen frustrations. Deal with issues and your emotions first before you go to the bedroom.
The bedroom or your bed is a chamber of love. It’s not a courtroom. Your bedroom is like the holy of holies. It is a sanctuary of love and joy even in the middle of tribulation.
Unfortunately, you have turned yours into a war zone, courtroom and den of thieves. Resolve your issues before you sleep.
It is safer for you to sleep with a clear and clean heart. Give love a chance. Some of us need an extreme makeover in our bedrooms.
Create an atmosphere where you could both grow
I have said that marriage is a place of growth. You grow together and you do this deliberately.
Remember, you are never in competition with your spouse. You are the best of friends and partners. Grow each other and grow together.
It is lack of wisdom to want to develop yourself at the expense of your spouse. This causes a lot of frustrations and tensions in your marriage.
Unwise men in the world will seriously underdevelop their wives only to turn around and blame them and leave them for a developed woman somewhere. I think this is irresponsibility of the highest order.
Every normal and loving husband will seek to develop their spouse and be proud of them. Grow together and you will stay together no matter what.
Marriage is work for committed spouses.
Kilton Moyo is a pastor, guidance and counselling consultant and author of The Sex Trap. Call and WhatsApp on +263 775 337 207 or +263 712 384 841.