To some it starts as great love but ends as heartbreak. Matters of the heart have made other people to languish behind bars. Others spend slumber less nights because of marital problems.
There was a disheartening report recently by the Zimbabwe Republic Police showing that over 200 people have died since January this year mainly because domestic violence.
To give us some answers, I (JN)engaged Patson Dzamara (PD), an author of six books, speaker and a consultant. Below are excerpts:
JN: Does it make any reasonable sense to fight with a person who you say you love? PD: Well, it really doesn’t because it certainly goes against the fundamental foundations of love. Nonetheless, there are a lot of triggers to that point where people end up fighting and that then becomes an issue of training, coaching and realignment.
JN: Over 200 deaths have occurred because of domestic violence since January this year in Zimbabwe. As a success coach, what could be the possible reasons for that? PD: Every case is distinct and the dynamics are different, but it all boils down to the issue of one’s self concept. By self concept, I mean, a person’s perception of themselves. So how a person sees themselves impacts on how they even treat their spouse. What I have gathered in counselling sessions is that most people who engage in this kind of behaviour have deep self concept deficiencies.
JN: Men usually suffer in silence. When they are beaten would you say they should jump out of the ship and look for the next love? Or they are amicable ways to resolve that? PD: Because of the ego most men suffer in silence. Life and most cultures have moulded men into egocentric beings and that makes it hard for them to open up. I think that in any scenario, any person can reform, so before jumping ship people must explore ways of helping each other. In the event that it doesn’t work then moving on is inevitable.
JN: Women are the worst affected by domestic violence because societal stereotypes. How do we coach men not to hit their wives and also teach wives not to provoke husbands? PD: Our emotional intelligence is not on the par. I personally think that there is no better way of creating a tranquil relational environment other than the model prescribed in the Holy Bible. Husbands must love their wives as Christ loves his bride, the church.
And wives must submit to their husbands as the church submits to Christ. Unfortunately that prescription has been variegated and so many of these problems we are faced with emanate from the fact that people have departed from the perfect order.
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JN: Away from fighting! How do I enjoy my love? Give us motivational tips to keep love burning! PD: To keep the fire burning, fall in love every day. Never get too familiar with your loved one. Make the conscious decision of falling in love every day.
JN: Sex! Sex! Sex! It’s the chocolate lining of the marriage institute. Do we have to teach it in seminars as speakers in the industry of success? PD: Yes, definitely. The notion that sex is a taboo and never to be taught about is antiquated. Just like any other facet of human life, sex must be taught. The lack of solid teaching has precipitated most of these problems we face.
Feedback and comments Gender inequality and patriarchy have to a larger extent fuelled domestic violence among many households. African societies are mostly male dominated and now with women empowerment and gender equality reforms, most men unfortunately feel threatened.
That to a larger extent causes them to instil their dominance through violent means. It’s so sad because the women’s rights are abused everyday and we read that women are beaten, raped etc.
Men need to accept that times have progressed and that women too were also created by God and are entitled to equal rights and opportunities.
Submission to husbands doesn’t mean women are objects and must be abused!
Ngqabutho Mlotshwa, Bulawayo said, in most cases it’s inferiority complex and jealous that is affecting most men. Nature tells a man that he is superior to a woman.
When he sees or feels that his wife/woman is doing better in life, instead of appreciating and considering that it is for both of them, he thinks negatively and consumes himself with inferiority stubbornness. . . The result to that is violence and killing. LORD HELP US, Women are dying in the hands of their loved ones.
Jonah Nyoni is an author, success coach and motivational speaker. Have your say on: 0772 581 918 or on my Facebook page. Web: www.successlife.co.zw
