BEFORE my number is up, I would like to atone for all my earthly transgressions. I would want to apologise to the people of Zimbabwe for all the mayhem, turmoil, and havoc during my timeless tenure at the helms.
My first apology goes to the late Joshua Nkomo. I upstaged him politically in a move that was purely driven by the need to balance the tribal representation within the leadership of nationalist movements.
I staged a palace coup by outmanoeuvring a number of veteran politicians. In the process I redefined the country’s political outlook. I was young, naÏve, ambitious and hungry for success. I did what I did because it had to be done.
Our fight was for majority rule and no majority rule could materialise without the real majority taking leadership of the liberation movement.
If usurping power from the minority southerners and encouraging the majority northerners to assume influential roles in the war against minority rule was wrong, I sincerely apologise.
As reparation for this indiscretion, I present Phelekezela Mphoko and Rodney Mashingaidze as the sacrificial lambs in this very hot political altar.
My ascendancy to power paved the way for a brutal bush war. I apologise for subjecting Zimbabweans to the savagery of a just war. If there was any better way of flushing out the imperialists without harming people we would have gladly done so.
War was never going to be like child’s play. Regrettably some of our armed boys spent time seducing anything wearing skirts in the so-called war-zones.
Occasionally civilians were brutalised on flimsy suspicions of selling-out and engaging in witchcraft. In iconoclastic fashion, our fighters took pleasure in closing down schools in the rural areas as a way of portraying a war situation.
I apologise for lack of foresight and the insensitivity of the comrades. I unconditionally offer Joseph Chinotimba and Jabulani Sibanda as compensation.
Taking the brutal fight to the imperialists ensured our victory in 1980. Some sour losers in our vast communities labelled me a bloodthirsty nemesis. People from the south went on to organise an armed insurrection against the will of the majority.
This rebellion was effectively crushed leaving me facing accusations of heavy-handedness. In my view I did what the British did to the spear-wielding Zulus at the battle of Isandlwane.
If the Zulus were massacred, butchered and slaughtered in cold blood by the British, then my southerners were cleansed. Did any of the so-called human rights watchdogs report this as a war crime? Did the British apologise?
I apologise for my errors as an exercise of courtesy and humility. To reinforce this reconciliatory apology, I offer Simon Khaya Moyo to the people of the south.
On reflection, my reaction to this underhand plotting was too extreme. I used disproportionate force to mete out justice of the highest order.
It is only now that I realise how ruthless I was by sending in armed men who were trained to defend the ideals of the revolution using nothing else but brute force.
I truly apologise for all the lives lost and for all the lives destroyed. As a sign of contrition I offer the people of the south the brilliant services of Obert Mpofu of the tollgates fame.
Proffering this sincere apology should not be seen as absolving the actions of the criminal gangs that roamed the plains in our villages pillaging and ravaging everything in sight.
Those people who provided succour to the dastardly reactionary elements were culpable and complicit in the commissioning of heinous crimes against others. It is their actions that drove me to my limits. I was but an earthly being, and still am such; therefore, my erring then was human and any erring now is still human.
Maybe I should apologise for killing the economy. I apologise for culling my weak political opponents. I apologise for living longer when AIDS has reduced life expectancy to a mere 40.
I apologise for everything that has not gone according to plan. For all those plethora of failures, I give you George Charamba, Jonathan Moyo and Psychology Maziwisa as praise singers par excellence. The mentioned neo-Goebbels will serenade you with corrupted verses from the liberation war charter.
On second thoughts, do I really need to apologise? I have been discreet in carrying out the mandate of the people. My confidence stems from the fact that Zimbabweans have repetitively elected and re-elected me even in the face of glaring failures under my watch.
Maybe I am a god if not the Son of Man and people do not change their god because of a drought here, a hurricane there and earthquakes everywhere.
For all I know divine entities do not apologise, but only forgive, therefore, I withdraw the apology and I will be looking forward to your frantic supplication to me.
Masola waDabudabu is a social commentator