Personality, character in relationships

Bride and groom during wedding ceremony
Bride and groom during wedding ceremony

If I can take you back a bit to your wedding day, perhaps we can then move ahead together in this short article.


Remember that day when you stood face to face with your spouse in front of all those people?

Your marriage officer probably asked you to look into each other’s eyes and then say your vows.

I am sure when you looked into those eyes, you saw something that motivated you to utter the words you spoke.

Do you remember it very well? If I may guess well, you saw love, you saw the most beautiful person in the whole earth.

Love was all over your eyes. Your heart went poetic and you could not stop until the officer stopped you.

Now two, three, 20 years down the line, you are seeing something different. I have heard people say to me: “Pastor, I no longer see anything, I feel nothing, she has changed, she is cold etc.”

Just yesterday, she was the hottest and most charming thing on earth and my question is: “What has changed? Is it your spouse or you who have changed?”

Let me attempt to answer this for you. There are two things that confuse most people and these are personality and character.

When you first saw your spouse, you saw their personality, their pleasantness etc, and this is what you fell in love with.

You loved their personality and they were so exciting and just a marvel to your eyes. There is nothing wrong with that.

You continued with this lovely personality during dating time. People are so sweet during dating. Always in smiles, forgiving, understanding and really attractive.

However, when you got married and began to live with the person day in and day out, you began to see and know their character.

You began to see the real person you are in love with. Many of us get a rude awakening when we first see the character of our spouses.

It’s no longer that pleasant thing you are used to. It’s the real deal now.

This is the reason many people begin to think they made a wrong choice and married a wrong person.

Have you ever bothered to find out why many celebrities have a poor record on relationships? It is this personality v character thing.

I need you to understand that you did not make a mistake. You are now in the reality zone. Marriage is about character more than personality. Now how do you help your shock?

If you are not careful, you can destroy your marriage over nothing. Many have fallen victim.

“Where is the woman/man I married?”, “This is a wrong marriage” or “I cannot stand this”.

These are a few common thoughts haunting many who have just woken up into the realities of marriage.

These thoughts and questions are in most cases not helpful. The best thing to do is to work on yourself to be the right person.

You will never find Mr/Mrs Right as long as you are not Mr/Mrs Right yourself. To manage your shock, just work on yourself. Be the right person. Be the right lover.

It is all in your hands now and not in your eyes. You destroy by hands more than by what you see. What are you doing in that situation?

This is more important than what the other person is not doing or doing.

Give love. Many people sit back and mourn that their spouses do not love them anymore. But do you love them yourself?

What are you doing to show or give love yourself? Love comes when given out. Do not just sit there and wait for your spouse to love you, love them too. Do little actions of love. Love is an action.

Love is done and given in order to be received. Most spouses who grumble about this are also not doing anything themselves.

It becomes a paradox when the same spouse would go out and get a small house claiming to be looking for love.

The truth is that at a small house, the same spouse does not go empty-handed. They are carrying a chocolate or something to give.

Come on now, you are doing the right thing at the wrong place. You really know what to do, but you do not want to do it. Give your wife a chocolate too.

At a small house, they know how to smile, play and crack jokes, but at home, they are just silent, angry and unfriendly. I think we need to be genuine in our love mindset particularly men. Marriage is work.

Allow your spouse to love you. I mean accept love and receive love. I have heard some people talk about how cold their spouses are no matter what they try to do.

I think anyone who wants to build marriage will accept love from their spouse. Perhaps they are not bringing it to you the way you expect.
Do not turn them down, accept and teach and teach with love and genuineness.

Let us realise this that marriage is dealing with character more than personality.

At least there are character things that one can outgrow and even learn.

For now, why not stick to that character and find a way of appreciating and loving even more.

Kilton Moyo writes in his own capacity as pastor, counsellor and author of The Sex Trap. Call or WhatsApp on +263 775 337 207, +263 772 610 103 or +263 712 384 841.