THIS ARTICLE is a response to a request by one of the readers having troubles with my in-laws. He says: “Please can you help me understand how traditionally I am to relate to my father-in-law, my mother-in-law and brothers-in-law socially, practically.
Because this seems to be causing problems because they are not happy with me and will not communicate their issues except by the rumour which is not clear.
“We have just recently had a child and I was wondering what I need to do traditionally for my wife’s family.
“Please can you also highlight how my wife should be treating or interacting with my family.”
Nowadays young people are confused by the process whereby two people of opposite sex become husband and wife . The white people’s understanding of becoming husband and wife is totally different from traditional Ndebele version. The term “to marry” is foreign to Ndebele , interpreted by the equivalent unfamiliar term ukutshada. The term tshada an equivalent of the term “marry” puts both the husband and the wife on a different footing from the traditional. In Ndebele indoda iyathatha (literally, “he takes”) and umfazi uyenda. For lack of a better English term we will construe the word “marry’ to mean the Ndebele sense of becoming husband and wife. This will help to clear some of the problems that the reader above has.
A man “takes” a woman to be his wife. He literally takes her into his family and she becomes part of his family. His family has a claim on her, she is not just umfazi kaNyoni, but umfazi wakoNyoni to which family she becomes fully integrated. But the integration spells out particular relationships.
Firstly she performs and is responsible for all family domestic duties (cooking, cleaning up, washing , fetching water and firewood and so on). This does not mean that she does these things all alone, but that as much as possible she must be willing to take the lead to perform these duties cheerfully. She must not show resentment. But nowadays some women will say , kangikwenziwa mina lokho, kangisiso sigqili sabo.
Very true, nor is it the intention of this traditional set up. This woman is a malokazana to the man’s parents . This implies respect and submission to them. They too must relate to her with respect and love. In the same vein they (the man’s parents) must support her and protect her from any abuse (verbal or physical) by any family members including an abusive husband.
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The greatest challenge for a woman is how to interact with umamazala and to some extent with sisters and aunts, especially returnees whose own marriages have failed. There is no recipe for interacting with one’s in-laws. Both sides have limitations which must be accepted with tolerant understanding.
Umalokazana will have made a good start with her new family if she quickly learns the traditions and habits peculiar to her new family which may be different from her previous family. There are very few daughters-in-law who hit it well with their mother–in-laws. Generally it is the mamazalas who are the source of the discord because they fail to appreciate the new ways of malokazanas. This is usually concerned with food, how malokazana cooks it and dishes it out.
They say, uyancitshana, ullitshapha, kananzeleli abantu, ukudla kwakhe kuyimboza, uzidlela yedwa labantwabakhe, kananzi indoda yakhe umntnami uyahlupheka and so on and so on.
A wise malokazana ignores all these unjust criticisms. Nxa walaywa esuka kibo she should expect all this. This article is all aware that the modern daughter –in –law will not take this lying down. But the short of it is that malokazana should respect her in-laws and submit to their ways ( without allowing them to “jump over her head”). She should be sensitive to their wants and provide them with what she can.
One of the greatest blessings of being husband and wife is to get a child. It is a joy and it helps to cement the husband/wife relationship. Both families, the husband’s and the wife’s rejoice in the event.There is no tradition that the husband should do or give something to the wife’s family following the birth of a chil. In the final analysis if the husband is a Nyoni the child belongs to the Nyoni family and the wife’s family kabalamlomo ngaye umntwana.
Traditionally the girl’s parents and family play a big role in accepting the youngman to become their son-in-law.
Their reaction to accept or reject the request to marry their daughter is influenced by their perception of the character of the prospective son-in-law or his family background. If the marriage happens against their will by any set of circumstances naturally they will resent the son-in-law and will not be happy with him.
But if he is a good man he can cultivate their favour in the course of time by treating their daughter well babone ukuthi umntanabo uhlezi kahle ukhomba ngophakathi. He too needs to show patience and a good measure of respect and submission to them.
He should help to care for them by providing their needs. But, of course, he should not overdo so to curry their favour. He should keep a positive attitude all the time in his dealings with his in-laws. Good relations may develop as time goes on.
