FOR some people, the sweetness of marriage was last known at honeymoon. To some it’s a blame game every day. Fikelephi Jackson (FJ) will tell you despite all those things in a marriage there is still “hope, restoration, redemption and forgiveness”.
Today Success Life engages Jackson (FJ), who is a Zimbabwean author, speaker and mentor based in United Kingdom. To her name is the book Against all odds (I survived) which has sold across the globe both as a hard copy and e-book on platforms such as kindle.
Recently, she featured on Sky 199 OHTV. Today she shares insightful nuggets on how to have an abuse-free marriage and gives us some solutions to our previous articles. Below are excerpts:
JN: “What’s your take of domestic violence in marriage?
FJ: Whether people are married or not married, all creation is made for a particular purpose by God, not to go through what some of us survivors have gone through. Either people are single, or what there is no excuse for it!”
JN: Let’s talk of a person who is being abused as we speak, basically what’s the first step from a psychological and legalistic point of view as a means of breaking the silence?
FJ: Nations or different communities are doing different things and some are doing zero. If anyone is going through abuse, like I was, you have to find someone to talk to. Seek help from social services or gender people go to them and speak to someone.
Staying in it (abuse) can be fatal. For instance in my case, the women who got married to the man that I was married to is now no more and if I had remained in the situation, I would be probably not be talking to you now. That is why I believe that it’s a miracle for me to be here, I’m still standing”
JN: Why would one slap a cheek that they kiss? To me it sounds unreasonable to abuse someone who I say “I love so much”, really how does it come about?
FJ: If you love someone you don’t slap them. Full stop! There are people that will beat you up and tell you they are doing what they are doing because they love you. My findings have proved that love has nothing do with it (domestic violence) and the perpetrator or the abuser has a spirit behind it which needs to be dealt with.
With me, I also deal with perpetrators, I would not kill them or have them locked in the jail, but I avail help to them. I will have them talk to someone because in most cases the findings are that they themselves would have been victims of abuse in the past.
JN: How do we empower people against domestic violence?
FJ: My prayer is that, before people say “I do” they should take time out to know the person they want to marry. I have been married for over 20 years, but I thank God because I spent four years before marriage just being his friend.
During that time I got to know him as a person and his family. I deal with both Christians and non-Christians and my advice to everybody is my please don’t rush into things, God is a match maker.
For each one of us there is a spouse that has been ordained for us. Sometimes I know people fill time is rushing and they don’t tend along and they hardly know who they are getting married to. This is what happened to me in my initial marriage.
Looking back I was silly and naïve and I think if I was in this informed position that I am in now, I would have looked for someone who would have set me down for proper premarital counselling. I encourage everyone to attend marital classes and counselling session and get it right at first. There is so much material in this Google-age that are of great help, things such as books, videos and online articles.
Parting Point, JN: What do people do to keep themselves upbeat in marriage and keep their love lives burning and away from domestic violence?
FK: Marriage is a beautiful thing. God created it so that we can all fulfill our destinies. As a couple your destinies are intertwined with each other. Now, if couples realise that they then acknowledge that this person is my bone of bones, they will cherish them because they want to reach their destination.
But if we are injured and hurt, we can’t reach there and we can only bring ourselves down and that’s not worth it. In keeping the marriage alive, I would say seek counseling, read books and be best friends.
Have that mind of investing. To keep things alive, it’s not like I will tell them next week or next year that I love them, especially to men, I don’t know if they feel awkward to actually say the word.
The word doesn’t hurt actually. If in marriage we know what makes the other person happy we would have beautiful and successful people and nations as such.
Love is that give-and-take thing, not that idea to take, take and take. Sooner or later there is nothing left to take. Romance will not remain dead because what people need is that exchange thing.
Jonah Nyoni is an author, success coach and motivational speaker.
Tel: 0772 581 918. Email: email@example.com