Winning atmosphere in marriage

By The Standard and Newsday | Jan. 8, 2015

I am convinced beyond doubt that all of us want an atmosphere of love, peace, joy, romance, security, contentment and more in our marriages.

I am equally convinced, however, that many of us find these elusive and wonder who has bewitched us.

You and your spouse are responsible for the atmosphere prevailing now in your marriage. It is not the people outside your marriage that bring the atmosphere, but yourselves.

I know that many sit back, mourn and point fingers at external forces, but the truth is that you are responsible. If you do not want to take that responsibility you will suffer in your marriage and end up divorcing or worse, killing each other.

I want to suggest a few ways of creating a friendly and peaceful atmosphere in your marriage. These may or might not work depending on your attitude and nothing else.

Your attitude towards your spouse is what matters and not their behaviour or even that of outsiders.

Remain loving despite the challenges you face. Never allow your challenges to choke or undermine your love for each other.

Choose to remain friendly, warm and kind to each other so you can produce the force of unity which has an amazing power to overcome your challenges. Challenges can cause you to doubt your spouse’s love and commitment to you.

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They can also cause you to think you made a mistake marrying the person and once you allow this you open your love to more attacks and before you know, it is choked to death. Love covers a multitude of wrongs.

Be accessible. In the middle of a storm, how accessible are you? Can your spouse feel you, your love and your support?

Many couples pull apart once they are plagued by challenges. We do understand your anger and your frustrations but please do not tear yourselves apart.

Many couples close themselves up and go into a silent mode and experience network problems for days and weeks. Resentment is an enemy of romance and love.

During the period of switching off, many indulge their minds with wanton thoughts and lust creeps in. Others think going out with friends for a drink, coming home late or drunk will eventually heal their resentment of the spouse.

This is a lie and is dangerous. If you are not careful you might lose your marriage and yourself at this very moment. The Bible teaches us not to be angry up until the sun goes down.

You see God understands our humanity that we will be angry but warns us not to go to bed angry. No matter your differences with your spouse, remain available. Stay at home and be loving. This way you are protecting each other.

Talk to each other romantically. I know that it is our culture to address each other by our children and positions: NakaMfana, SekaNene, Mama, Baba, Mfundisi, Mamfundisi. I am not against this, but I think it makes us loose our romantic touch with each other.

Learn to view your spouse as your lover more than anything else. See a lover in your spouse. Granted they are the father and mother of your children, the truth is that above all this, they are your sweetheart, darling, honey, or whatever.

I would prefer my wife to still call me by my name and the names we called each other while dating. This keeps the fire burning. You see you are responsible for keeping the fire burning otherwise things, even good ones will dampen this fire.

Create your own romantic language and enjoy calling each other that. Do not easily conform to this lukewarm attitude that can be an enemy of love.

Marriage is not a prison of rules and regulations. Marriage is a place of romance, joy, fun and excitement despite the social, cultural and economic challenges faced.

Marriage is between two people, you and your spouse and you are both responsible for creating your own atmosphere that will inspire you both.

Stop pleasing crowds in your marriage and be for one another. Beloved, love is beautiful. It is kind. It does not torture your spouse.

Love does not deny or inflict pain. It seeks the good for the spouse. Seek the good of your spouse, Seek to make them happy and secure. Love protects, inspires and gives life and hope. Many marriages have no hope.

The future is bleak because you have let circumstances define your marriage. Love must define your marriage beloved. Work everything in love. Put away the fear of each other, violence, and lust and embrace love and see life change in your home.

May love keep you together in 2015.

Kilton Moyo is a pastor, guidance and counseling consultant and author of Celebrating My Africanness. You can call or WhatsApp on +263 775 337 207/ 0712 384 841