Today, let me speak to those who are dating and are struggling in their relationships. Building a relationship requires a lot of commitment and self-discipline, which many dates lack.
It is not surprising to see many people jumping from one date to another and feeling confused in the process and as a result, blaming everyone for their circumstances.
It pays to pause for a moment and take stock. Here are a few things that will destroy your relationship unless you deal with them yourself.
- Jealousy. A jealous person finds it hard to keep relationships, as they become too negative and nagging to the other person. Before they know it, they are violent, pushy and a pain to their partner and that love is gone. Jealousy sometimes is a result of insecurity brought about by a serious lack of self-belief.
When you think you are not worthy and deserving of your partner, you either become too jealous or too submissive and both are extremes with dangerous results.
Jealousy can also be a result of a guilty conscience hiding your own past or your partner’s. It can be outrightly demonic and you have to deal with it.
A lady is in trouble when she dates a jealous guy who acts like a police detective more than a lover.
- Wanting to control your partner. There are some people who think they can baby-sit or mama or daddy their spouses. This is anti-love.
You cannot build a relationship through spying, policing and demanding submission from your lover. Submission is automatic where there is love. Stop controlling and start loving. Love builds relationships.
- Suspicion. If you are always suspecting your partner is cheating on you, you have a problem. Do not get involved in a relationship if you cannot trust. Suspicion is poison to love, progress and commitment. How do you commit to someone who does not trust you?
- Temper. You are always moody, angry, and throwing tantrums every time you meet and you sincerely think someone will love you and commit. It cannot be so.
In fact, you are a dangerous partner and you do not deserve anyone until you grow up. Only babies throw tantrums. You have no sense of humour and you are just like an angry river while claiming you are in love.
Beloved, where there is love, there is joy and peace and not the opposite.
- Talking too much or being too quiet. Some dates talk too much and in the end, they chase away potential spouses. How can you complain and grumble so much to your date? They do not yet feel much responsibility over you and they can walk away anytime they feel abused. Just hold on and learn to be a lover.
Some people also poison their relationships by being too quiet. They just love and do not talk. This is also a snare. Talk, communicate, laugh, and enjoy company. All I am suggesting is that you be balanced so as to build love.
- Stinginess. Love gives and is a giver. Love grows through giving. Before you receive it, you learn to give it. The challenge with many people is they want to receive love and never purpose to give it, whether they receive it back or not. If you cannot give gifts to that person now, you might not give in marriage too. I thought you were actually practising now and learning.
Gifts build love. Both of you give to each other. Many young ladies miss out by thinking they are the only ones entitled to receiving. No! Also give. Do not demand but learn to give also.
- Cheating. Obviously if you cheat now, what more in marriage. The other person has all reasons to leave you. In fact, never be so desperate to overlook cheating at this stage and hope the person will change in marriage.
You are condemning yourself to a marriage of pain. Anyone cheating on you now is not yet ready for a serious relationship. Stop playing with babies, they will soil you. Did you know that lying is also another form of cheating?
- Sex before marriage. Many will give sex to prove love. This is a fatal mistake. Sex does not prove love. Never mix the two. Giving sex for this reason or any other before marriage is a passion killer. It is a source of disappointment to many young people.
Before you know it, you have given your body to as many dates as you can have in pursuit of love. You cannot be jumping from one date to another and having sex.
Learn one thing, that love cannot be bought and even sex does not buy it. Your first time sex encounter as a new couple is your best gift at honeymoon. When you have given it away before this, what’s there to get to the moon for?
As I said, relationships are work demanding commitment and self-discipline. How prepared are you to de-learn all these and make yourself ready to love someone for life? Love is not only about joy, but is also labour. It starts when you throw away all the anti-love behaviour and embrace the love. Do not kill the relationship, but kill the bad manners in you.
- Kilton Moyo is creator of Fruitful Marriages, a renewal and enrichment programme and is a pastor, counselor and author of The Sex Trap. Call or whatsap on +263 775 337 207, +263 772 610 103 or +263 712 384 841. firstname.lastname@example.org