WE can never stop couples from fighting. I think this is part of life due to sin’s nature, but what we can possibly do is help couples fight with wisdom and dignity. When you fail to agree on something as a couple, that does not make you a failed or evil couple. Know that millions of others go through such things too. What hurts is when couples go to the extent of divorcing, beating or killing each other because they disagree on some issue. Listen, all couples do quarrel at times. Disagreements will always be there too. Crisis will come, but what matters is how you handle these as couple. You do not have to be stupid in your argument to the point of destroying your marriage or family. Whatever fights, you must remain united and moving on. It is sad that many couples have ended up divorced, dead, in prison, mistrusting and frustrated after their fights. I have come to realise that couples need to learn conflict management and how to fight better. Let me just suggest a few tips on this.
- Do not fight to prove who is right or wrong. This is deception. It kills your relationship and respect for each other. That you are wrong or right does not solve your problem.
Fight to beat the problem as a team. Your enemy is the problem and not your spouse. All the devil wants is to see you blame each other and pulling apart in your discouragement. Never see your spouse as the problem or source of it. The devil is the source and your spouse is the victim. If you see them as a victim you will protect because the primary duty of your love is to protect them.
- Many couples do not know their problem and, hence, how to fight it. Instead they fight each other. They become agents of the enemy and destroy in the name of correction or seeking to be understood or trying to prove they are right. Others use these fights as scapegoats or escape routes. Others fight with a pre-meditated plan to confuse, accuse and get out. I mean this is not only arrogant, but surely demonic.
l Do not blame. Seek to understand the issue and your spouse’s point of view. Be a good listener. Some people are blame machines. A small thing they go home on it and call their spouse all names and words. This is immaturity of the worst order. Even in your differences with your loved one, remain humble and using sweet words that build and encourage. Be careful with the words you use against your spouse. Words have life and they create. The Bible teaches in Proverbs 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit”. Do not destroy your spouse with your words. Your words can be more cruel and destructive than a bullet. Many spouses have killed their loved ones by their words. I would rather have you remain silent than curse your spouse. Do not promote rebellion but peace.
- Sometimes it is wiser to overlook your spouse’s provocation. Proverbs 19: 11. “The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger, and it is to his glory to overlook a transgression.” You lose nothing but gain more respect when you overlook some of the minor things that you fight over.
- Do not give room to strife. Better is a dry morsel with quietness, than a house full of feasting with strife. Strife kills relationships and has killed many marriages and families. It can lead to violence and murder.
- Fight with intention and focus. Your intention is to solve the problem and remain loving each other. Your intention is not to shame and embarrass your spouse. Your intention must always be to bring peace and love rather than destroying and shaming. Fight on the side of your spouse and not the problem and to do this you will have to listen, talk and not yell. Fix the problem and not the person. At the end of the day, love must win and your marriage must get stronger. I pray that couples will so mature that they would end each argument with a hug and a kiss and not going on “voice mail and network problem” for months. That is immaturity and what the enemy uses to pull people down.
All I am saying is that we ought to mature as couples. The more mature we become the lesser the fights. After the fight, the two of you must be in deeper love. Do not quarrel but engage in a discussion over the issue and let love win. Yelling, shouting and screaming and beating up each other is not only criminal but demonic. When you differ on an issue, compromise for the sake of love. I am praying for you to learn to fight like mature people, loving people and of course as Christians if you are. Everything you do must bear witness for the Lord Jesus.
- Kilton Moyo is creator of Fruitful Marriages, a renewal and enrichment programme and is pastor, counsellor and author of The Sex Trap. Call or WhatsApp on +263 775 337 207, +263 772 610 103 or +263 712 384 841. firstname.lastname@example.org