Love is not blind like what the world would like you to believe. Love has sharp eyes to see and sense pretence, lying and many other things that work against its nature. Many people use this misconception, that love is blind, to justify their lack of seriousness in dealing with issues during dating time. They ignore glaring red-flags and only to turn around when they are in trouble and say, love is blind meaning they did not see this coming. I do not believe in that.
You saw it, but you listened to your feelings which cheated you and sold you the usual lie, “it will go away”. Many of us, once we are in love, we betray logic and just get carried away and we completely overlook the fact that loving someone is a huge responsibility that demands wisdom and not foolishness. I agree with you that you are in love and I do agree people change, but I want to help you to remain vigilant before you sell your soul and heart to an abuser.
There are many things that you cannot afford to ignore should they come your way during your dating period. Most of us are not very genuine during this period. We put on some masks and pretend to be the sweetest people on earth.
This is more so when a church-girl goes out with a non-church man. Let me not elaborate. You know what I mean. Some personalities you love and admire are fake and temporary and are meant to get into your heart and soul and hurt you in the end. All I am saying is be vigilant and sober in your love.
Cheating is something that should give you a warning. If your fiancée cheats on you and sleeps around and lies, crooks you and does all those stupid things, this could be a clear warning that they will cheat on you in marriage. Many of us will ignore and try and put up a fight over such a character and do all we can to get married quick hoping they will be well once married. I think you are committing suicide.
The best way of dealing with such is to pull out of that relationship. You are better off somewhere else. This sounds crude but its truth. Maybe in this same category is someone who is over-promising. They promise you heaven and earth and you believe even when they do not deliver. You are also applying for a heart attack in marriage. Maybe you need to sort this out.
During dating if you see your fiancée getting visibly angry with you to the point of beating you or wanting to beat you, then you know you might be a punch bag in marriage. I can assure you that a huge percentage of women in abusive marriages saw this coming and ignored it. They hide behind the fallacy, “I love him”. During dating please take note of such symptoms such as anger, violence, talking too much or grumbling. These are a clear evidence of serious things awaiting you in that marriage. If your fiancée wants you to fear them, please get out of that relationship before it’s too late.
Despising your potential is one of the early warning signs. I mean, honestly if the person who claims to love you would despise your potential, your ideas and everything you are trying to do, who then can support you. Do you think you have a future with such? A lover is supportive and is an encourager. A lover seeks to help you improve and they cannot be an accuser or mocker. Sometimes those who despise like this are seeking to control you. It’s not something new to you that there are some spouses who control their spouses like they are zombies. They take away your dignity and make you their thing. Do you think it started in marriage? No. You saw it at dating and you ignored it and now it is hurting you.
If you are dating someone and they are demanding sex and accusing you of not loving them if you do not give in, then, you should rethink issues. The trouble is you will give in and get yourself messed up. Many well-meaning ladies end up with children and being single mothers because of this. I wrote to you last time and said to you sex never buys love. Sex never proves your love for someone. Do not get deceived. No ring, no sex. The biggest issue here is self-respect. If you respect yourself you will not give in. You would rather let him or her go. Someone who loves you will respect you and your beliefs.
I could have written more on this but my space is limited. Things like stinginess, lack of openness, secrecy, dependency syndrome are also things to consider and to tackle during this period. If during dating, you are unable to discuss issues openly, I can assure you that it will be difficult in marriage to do so.
Instead, you will fight. During dating, you lay your soul bare and share your hearts. Hide nothing. You want someone who will love you as you are. Do not fake it. Just tell the truth. The challenge is you are desperate and so you want to cheat. Love does not cheat or work evil for the other person. Love is sincere and very truthful. Do not force someone to love you. Do not force things. Let truth set you free.
In April we have a huge seminar for all those who are dating or preparing to get married. Do not miss it. It’s in Bulawayo and Harare. Make a date with us and you will love it. Send us your email address if you want to be in our mailing list.
Kilton Moyo is creator of Fruitful Marriages, a renewal and enrichment programme and is pastor, counsellor and author of The Sex Trap. Call or Whatsapp on +263 775 337 207, +263 772 610 103 or firstname.lastname@example.org