GRIEF is a natural human emotion that almost everyone will experience in life. Yet when we lose someone we love, grief can feel anything but natural. It can be crushing, bewildering and difficult to understand.
We may find ourselves unable to shift our minds from the reality that someone who was once present in our lives is suddenly gone. This absence can feel overwhelming, particularly when the death is unexpected.
Some losses happen suddenly, through accidents or unexpected circumstances, leaving families with little or no time to prepare. Even when someone has been ill, there may be a limited sense of awareness or emotional preparation for the moment of death. When a death occurs suddenly, there is often no opportunity to say goodbye, process what is happening or prepare emotionally for life without that person. The shock of such a loss can make grief feel deeply traumatic.
We must, therefore, allow ourselves to grieve. Rather than suppressing difficult emotions, we need to sit with them and give ourselves permission to express our pain. Grief that is bottled up does not simply disappear; it can affect our emotional and physical wellbeing. As explored in Bessel van der Kolk’s book, The Body Keeps the Score, traumatic experiences can affect both the mind and the body.
When we experience trauma, our nervous system can enter a state of fight, flight or freeze. For some people, the body can remain in this heightened state long after the immediate danger has passed.
After a traumatic loss, oftentimes there is need to recreate a sense of grounding and safety. This can involve reconnecting with our bodies, establishing routines, seeking support and allowing ourselves time to process what has happened.
Grief can also magnify difficulties that already existed in our lives, making anxiety, loneliness, fear or other emotional struggles feel more intense. This is why kindness and empathy are essential, both from others and towards ourselves.
It is imperative we remember that grief does not follow a straight path. Emotions can come and go like waves. One day we may feel relatively peaceful, while the next we may experience intense sadness, anger or longing.
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A difficult day does not mean that we are failing to move forward. Healing does not require forgetting the person who has died. Instead, it involves learning how to carry their memory while continuing to live.
To the outside world, a death may become a statistic or a brief news story. To a family, however, it is a life-changing event. After the funeral, when the publicity fades and everyone else returns to their everyday lives, those left behind may feel that they are facing their grief alone. The reality is that grief often continues long after others have stopped asking how we are. We mustn't give up on working on our healing.
Although death brings profound pain, life is also something to be celebrated. We are all passing through this world and our time with one another is precious. Rather than allowing loss to erase the beauty of what came before, we can honour those who have died by remembering their lives, celebrating the love they gave us and carrying their memories forward.
Ultimately, grief asks us to feel. We need to experience our emotions in their entirety rather than judging or resisting them. There is no single correct way to grieve and there is no fixed timetable for healing. By creating space for our emotions, grounding ourselves after trauma and surrounding ourselves with compassion, we can gradually find a way to live with loss.
Grief may change us, but through empathy, remembrance and acceptance, we can learn to move forward without leaving the memory of our loved ones behind.
