ALL of us desire great and happy marriages. Great and happy marriages are worked for and they do not just happen through a miracle.
I know we are a generation that loves miracles, but I think we must understand the fundamentals of commitment in marriage.
We must also understand that marriage operates on God given principles and unless we do those, we remain in pain in the land of joy.
Let us look at two more things central to marriage.
Forgiveness. This is the soul of every marriage on earth and every relationship for that matter. There is no way you can deal with a human being in this life and you do not exercise forgiveness.
Those unable to forgive destroy and I am not surprised that there is so much destruction today in marriages, families, relationships and even in life generally.
Forgiveness is a God-given art of building relationships and handling humanity. You see people are not perfect and they are bound to make mistakes. We do not resolve such mistakes by beating or divorcing, but by forgiving and giving a second chance.
Marriage should be entered into by mature people who want to build more than pleasure. It must be entered into by people who understand that humanity is imperfect and by people who want to add value to others. Such people know how to forgive in order to move on and win.
Forgiveness is for winners, beloved. The challenge is that we have a lot of people who think they are perfect and therefore their spouses must be perfect. I can assure you that such are not yet born and will not be born into this life.
Forgive your spouse’s mistakes every second of their lives. Forgive their frailty and imperfections. Love forgives and does not keep a diary of wrongs like some of us do.
You cannot become what you desire in your marriage when you are stuck in past pains. Let go so you can move ahead.
Anyone, in true love and understands marriage, will forgive. Jesus says you will have to do it 70 times seven. This means it is a lifelong process.
Forgiveness is needed daily and every minute of our lives. Home builders forgive. Relationship builders forgive. If you truly love your spouse, I challenge you to forgive them. Forgiveness is the soul of marriage.
Outgrowing some habits. Marriage is a place of both de-learning and learning. There are many things we must de-learn or simply out grow so we can learn new things concerning our marriages. No two marriages are the same.
We come from different backgrounds and with different perceptions and therefore there is need that couples sit down and plan and come up with their way of doing it. Remember you are not marrying your mother or father.
What you might have seen your father do to your mother might not work with your spouse and so you will have to de-learn to learn a new thing. Rigidity becomes the enemy to many marriages. If your father beat your mother and she accepted it, never think your spouse will do.
You might run into problems. I have noticed that many couples fight over simple things that they brought from their backgrounds and are not willing to let go. Simple things like who does the bed.
Who makes breakfast? Who serves who and others? If as a couple you agree on how you would do things, I tell you, such things are not issues at all. I have said it but let me repeat that your marriage is different from your parents’ marriage.
You are two different individuals and you need to map the way forward. That is why the Bible encourages that the man leaves and cleaves to his wife.
You are a completely brand new couple. It is very healthy for you as a couple to be aware of some unhealthy and offensive behaviours that might stem from your heritage.
Things like rigidity, a critical attitude, unwillingness to talk about certain issues particularly sex, use of degrading language and dictatorship in marriage can be both learnt and delearned. They are unnecessary in marriage. Let me say they are unhealthy. One more thing, learn to say sorry.
Why don’t you take time and seriously evaluate yourselves and delearn some things so you can learn new and healthy things. Marriage is not a humanity thing. It is a God thing and can only be effectively and fruitfully done by His principles and His Spirit.
In short, try and understand marriage from a God point of view. Forgive and grow up into maturity. When you are mature, you will not complain about some things you are complaining about now.
Kilton Moyo is a pastor, guidance and counselling consultant and author of the book Sex Trap. Call or WhatsApp on +263 775 337 207 or +263 712 384 841.