Searching for love

Editorial Comment
THERE IS a Helen Baylor song which contains the line We all wanna be loved, Halleluia!

THERE IS a Helen Baylor song which contains the line We all wanna be loved, Halleluia!

THEMBE KHUMALO

In this song, she details her journey through the music industry, her desire for affirmation and affection and how this led to drug addiction.

It seems that in our quest for love, we can sometimes think and behave in ways that are ultimately self destructive and damaging to ourselves and others.

Although most women don’t have a history as dramatic as Baylor’s, they may notice a trend of defeatist behaviour and thinking in the way they attempt to fulfill the desire to be loved.

Sometimes, a woman tries too hard. She accepts every invitation, entertains every proposition and falls in love with everyone who wants to buy her lunch.

The trick is to exercise some restraint; to be accessible, but not necessarily available and to retain some element of mystery. Men love a conquest, so give them something to conquer.

Other times to avoid the pain that comes with failure and rejection, a woman doesn’t try hard enough.

She forgets that opportunities come to those who are on the lookout for them.

Sometimes a smile, clean clothes and a little effort with conversation, are all you need to make someone notice you.

Other times a woman is so conscious that she shouldn’t “settle” for someone who is not good enough, that she continuously holds out for something better.

While there is nothing wrong with having high standards, they should not be so high that there in fact, isn’t a real human being who can cut the grade.

Beard, brands and big bellies are all things that can be changed, and shouldn’t stop a woman from giving a man a chance.

And then of course, there are the social issues. “What will my friends, sister, mother, aunts and churchmates say?”

Approval addiction can be paralysing and if you are worried about what others think, you should remember that ultimately you are the one who has to live with the man, not them.

If you have found someone you like, have the courage of your convictions about why you are with him.

You may find that your friends will respect both you and in him much more.

If you have read enough self-help books, you would know that all of this is secondary to what really has to happen first in order for love to last.

They say that you have to love yourself before you can love others, or before you can successfully conduct a healthy relationship with others. While is sounds simple, an instruction to love yourself is actually rather mysterious and not that straightforward to execute.

Perhaps if we called it selfcare, we might better understand what it means.

Being kind to oneself, affirming oneself, forgiving oneself and ensuring that internal Conversations we have with ourselves are positive and gentle, are the in-thing.

After all, you are the person who is going to be talking to you the most throughout your life!