YOU might be wondering why I keep on writing about the spousal relationships.
It’s simple. It’s the most confused relationship in this generation and yet it is the cornerstone for family, society and all other human relationships. It determines all other relationships and when it is strong and sound, all are strong and sound and when it is falling apart all are falling apart.
One of the challenges faced by many couples is the demand they place on each other. The demand for whatever is a result of wrong focuses. Demanding puts pressure and breaks the backbone of the relationship.
Understand that you are in a relationship for one another You are never in a relationship for you. If you think you are married solely for you, I think you are wrong and selfish. It is this selfishness that betrays a lot of noble relationships and begins to place silly demands on the spouse.
Life is about what we do for others more than they do for us. What are you doing for your spouse? That is what matters the most.
Ask yourself this one question “How am I making my spouse a better person?” You have a duty to add value to your spouse. It is your responsibility to do so and you have to do so without duress. It’s an act of love to add value and to beautify what you love. Love adds value and love is not self-seeking.
Challenges in many marriages get out of hand when spouses become self-seeking and self-focused. You are not the main actor alone.
Both of you are and you must pay attention to one another. Focus on making your spouse a better person.
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Always ask yourself what you can do for your spouse It is not about what your spouse can and has to do for you, but it’s about what you can do for your spouse. Many spouses will sit back and put their spouses under pressure by demanding service, respect, submission, food, and many other things while they are doing nothing themselves for the spouse. Love does not demand. Love serves.
The Bible teaches us in Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and Himself for it.” He did not say demand. Instead of demanding some things that our cultures have placed on women, I think men can do better by loving their wives first.
I have said this and I say it again with conviction that the primary role of a husband is to serve and not to be served, if we are following the Christ example here. This is where leadership is lost in our society. Leadership is about serving and not being served.
Men have been groomed to be served and they assume leadership in society from that point of view and as leaders they want or rather demand that everyone serves them. Look around you and you see leadership that demands at every level.
To correct this we must groom men and women better and in the way of God. We must teach men to Love their wives and not the other way round. I have seen a lot of men who demand love from their wives but they are not in a position to give that love themselves.
I think men need to arise and correct some things. It’s what you do to your spouse that counts and brings about the desired outcomes.
Violence is bred by this mindset that your spouse must do this and that for you. You will be surprised that many quarrel and even divorce over such simple and mundane things: Who cooks, who irons, who buys groceries, who does the bed, who takes children to school, who greets who, how are they greeting etc. Pardon me, surely these things are no issues in a marriage with love and order and agreement.
There is no one size fits all in a relationship but there are love basics that you cannot ignore. Love is foundational and is the beginning and the end of the relationship. Love does not demand. It builds, encourages and is patient.
What builds a strong relationship is what you are willing to do for the other person Love, romance, passion, intimacy, friendship and unity in a marriage relationship are all inspired when the couple learns to serve each other and places no demand but love. Serve them because you love them and you want to.
Husbands must take the lead as leaders and exemplifiers of Christ in a marriage relationship. I have come to learn that what I am willing to do for the other person; they are also willing to do for me.
That which am not willing to do, they might not be willing to do also. Life is about doing to others what you expect them to do. If this principle is broken, violence comes in. Too many husbands are bosses, commanders and not lovers. This is where our challenges spring from in our society today.
Kilton Moyo is a pastor, guidance and counselling consultant and author of Responding to Personal Crisis. Call or WhatsApp on +263 775 337 207 or 712 384 841.
