Sustaining your relationship

Building and sustaining a relationship is a lifelong process that requires a lot of patience, commitment and investment. I have repeatedly said this that many people of our generation lack patience with themselves and others. They also look for perfection in human beings, something that is not anywhere near humanity and they get disappointed. I am yet to see a perfect person on earth. I believe that building a relationship starts with you. How you relate with yourself is paramount and will determine how you relate with others. How much do you value yourself? How do you see yourself? I believe that you see others through the way you see yourself.


The way you see another person usually portrays what is happening inside you. People who are struggling with themselves usually struggle with others and until you are in charge in your inner world, the outer world will mess you up. Today I want to suggest to you one step you should take to sustain your relationship. Just this one thing will give you so much victory.

●Change your mind. “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind” Romans 12:2.

What brings transformation into your relationship is not changing your spouse but is the renewing of your own mind.

Changing how you think about your spouse, how you perceive and understand things is critical in building relationships. The problem, with most of us, is not what our spouses do, but what we thinkthey do. I know many of us blame others, blame our backgrounds and blame this and that for our predicaments, but never stop to look at our mindsets.

I have said this and I say it again, your spouse is not the problem. Sometimes the problems in our minds manifest in other people’s behaviours because that is what we think of.

You can change men, change women as much as you want in your relationships, but you will remain disappointed until you have changed the way you think. You experience the same problems in all your relationships not because you are “cursed or bewitched”. It is because the problems are not with the people you are dating or marrying, but in your mind. It’s all you think about women, about men and about marriage. That is the problem. You can change anything you want, cars, houses, suits, churches, pastors, but, still remain bitter, angry, violent, a drunkard, and addicted until you have changed the way you think.

Success in life in general and in our relationships is based on the state of our minds. Changing the mind, therefore, becomes foundational in building lasting things in life.

Failure is a mindset as much as success is. Happiness in a relationship is also a mindset. Did you know that the things you are struggling with in your relationships might be the fruit of your mind? Cheating on your spouse, violence, sleeping around, dating 10 men or women and getting beaten up in the process, marrying and divorcing and marrying again and again etc.
These will not go away by what you are doing, but by changing your mind set. It’s your mind that is oppressing you. Many people fail because of what they think about what they are doing or about their spouses.

Show me anyone successful in their marriage who thinks that all men are dogs, women are the same and inferior to men, women must be beaten, men have the right to date and sleep around even when married etc. These thoughts are detrimental to success in your marital relationship. Kill them in your mind now and joy will come in the morning. Just a few more thoughts for you:

●Do not engage in the futile exercise of trying to change your spouse. Change your mind set. People are what you think they are first and foremost.

●Your struggling in your relationships has its roots in your mindset. Start working from there.

●Many people are oppressed by their minds and not other people. The biggest demon running havoc in your life is in your mind. When I listen to many couples quarreling, I see the evidence of oppressive thinking right through. We can suggest many things but if they do not change their mindsets there will be no progress.

●Irresponsibility is a mindset. Many people would rather destroy rather than fix. The world is looking for builders rather than destroyers. Most of this destruction is in the mind.

Well, it’s up to you beloved. Start by renewing your own mind and then you can build from there. Enjoy your relationship.

 Kilton Moyo is creator of Fruitful Marriages, a renewal and enrichment programme and is pastor, counsellor and author of The Sex Trap. Call or WhatsApp on +263 775 337 207, +263 772 610 103 or +263 712 384 841.

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